My life has become unmanageable
I am planning at every corner a way that I might self-destruct
My pain has become unmanageable
The void inside my chest
I made a reservation at the Marriott Fairfield Inn, Times Square
so that I could go spend the night
looking for trade
looking for ass
Bare Back ass
I turned on all of my mobile dating devices and put up advertisements
hosting @ the Marriott
Loves Asian, Latino, All Races, Geeks, Nerds, Smooth, Twinks
Send pictures for room number
I like living dangerously sometimes
Three smooth boys
men, I should say
twinks in their twenties I mean
entered my room
over the course of eight hours
Boy after Boy after Boy
I’d eat their holes, they’d suck me off
the cycle continued
Why have I only chosen to write about the boys that I entered with my penis?
What about the boys that I shared an emotional connection with?
What about my grade school crushes before I ever hit puberty?
What about the heroes who changed my life?
Who changed the world?
What about the three boys who sucked the juice of life from my cock that night
The boys who wanted to forget their own problems?
Who took my seed
for their own reasons
What about the other hundred or more boys whose cocks
I held in my mouth without ever entering them myself?
Who I have purposefully forgotten
because I deemed those shared actions as irrelevant?
what about all of them?
The boys I flirted with at bars?
The boys I stalked on the internet?
Where are their poems?
Why do I have to write a poem about Saad?
Why was he special?
A twenty-one year old Saudi Arabian tourist
here with his family.
Staying at the same hotel
Entering my room and mounting me like a desperate
Eve ready to populate the Earth?
He held me as if I were his only chance to ever live
for the rest of his life entire
He shoved my bare cock in his ass
and he rode me like a dying dream - baby
The stubble from his shaved hole
stung with added pleasure
and I shot my load deep inside him
I don’t remember where he shot his
On my chest? I guess…
Does it matter where?
He cried afterwards.
He wasn’t allowed the freedom to be himself where he was from
or something like that
He told his parents he was going for a walk through Times Square
and they believed him
he came to my room
and lived dangerously with me
What did HE have to lose anyway?
What did I?
There was nothing I hadn’t done
Nothing I had left to try
The end felt eminent at that point
I licked his asshole clean
and kissed him on the mouth
wishing him good luck
back in the Middle East
Then I ordered a pizza
ate my feelings
and went to bed
the smell of rose oil still strong on
the tip of my nose
In the morning I met Ryan for brunch
he who I once thought was the love of my life
he who once told me that he wouldn’t know until the day he died
if I was his greatest love or his greatest lover
or his greatest friend
He was maybe not the love of my life that I wanted him to be
but he was one of the greatest friends
The thought of that sends me down a spiral of famous Rolling Stones tunes.
Ryan tells me to shut up.
I tell him about my night and he makes a joke or three about it.
Did I mention he was a comedian?
He’s like a brother to me now.
A sister really.
I’ve known him for so long.
Our love affair that ended years ago seems like a lifetime away.
Was it another life?
I sing a little Norah Jones tune to him over mimosas and we laugh and ask for another round.
Ryan’s always good for laughs.
I stop for a minute staring into space.
What’s wrong? Ryan asks.
Nothing. I brush off his question with a silly face
but inside I’m deep in thought.
I hope that one day
will find his Ryan.